One Year

Hey guys so I've mentioned this a few times before but I need to do this today. 1 year ago I was faced with a situation I never could have imagined I've never told this story from my point of view but a year later I feel it's time. I woke up on Wednesday January 28'th in a very typical day. I went to the preschool I was doing my observing at and after that finished I headed to my classes. The night before I had learned by text from my friends I don't remember what we were texting about but we asked them if everything was okay and they said that everything wasn't alright but they were okay for the night. As I was driving to class I drove under an American flag held by two fire trucks. I called my mom and asked if she knew why and she told me she thought it was for a ex fire cheif who had passed away. I asked my mom if she had heard from my friends and she said yes but she wasn't going to tell me right now if she said anything else it's a detail lost. I got to the church where I parked and broke down hypervenalating and praying I knew in my heart something was horribly wrong and the fact my mom wouldn't tell me confirmed it. I prayed to god that my friend's mom was alive and getting the help she needed and she hadn't succeeded but I also knew in my heart she was gone and I would never see her again. I called my mom back and I have no recollection of that conversation. I went to class and tried my best to concentrate but I was overcome with worry and the guess in my head of what had happened. My mom, dad and sister picked me up after class and my mom broke the news to me in the car that yesterday after her bus route my best friends mom and the women who was like a second mother to me went home and committed suicide. I admitted I had guessed that much and so had my sister we knew before our parents even told us. I got to see my best friends that night and it was incredibly hard by far the worst meeting we'd ever had and to see them and know what they were going through but there was no place I can imagine myself having been we needed each other it was the only way the four of us could make it through it. I had lost people I loved including two friends who died way to young but that funeral was by far the hardest one I have ever been forced to attend. A year later it still doesn't always seem real however I know in my heart she's gone and she's never going to come back. I will never know why she choose to end her life or how she could make that choice. I just know I miss her terribly and I always will. I loved her like a mother and she treated me like a daughter. My friends and I were 21, 20, 18 and 17 and we shouldn't have had to deal with that at such a young age. I never imagined I would have a life that was touched by suicide but I have and truthfully a year later I still can't grasp it all. So many times in the past year I have wished more than anything I could text her about NASCAR or get another hug and to know I never will be able to upsets me greatly each time. As hard as it is for me I can't even imagine what it must be like for my best friends and her husband who is like a second father to me. I'm so proud of them though my best friends have had the roughest year and they have come to this time one year so much stronger. I'm so proud to call them my sisters I know they would say what I'm going to say next is all because of me and my sister and I won't doubt that but it doesn't change what I'm going to say. I'm so proud of you guys for the strength and poise you have shown through this past year. You have taken this horrible situation and become amazing young women out of it. I will never be able to express the admiration I have for the way you two have handled this situation and I love you both so much and I'm always hear for you. A year later and the grief still rips at my heart and breaks my heart every time I think about this loss. I had all these ideas of what my future looked like with my family and suddenly my world was shaken and turned upside down. Through this past year I've never really been angry at her I've just questioned why which doesn't change the situation but I didn't know what else to do. I never pictured I would lose my NASCAR buddy and that's one of the parts I miss most currently where I am. The big moments like wedding days, children and even college graduation cross my mind as times I wish she were here for. However the everyday little things like her hugs and the love she showed for me and the way she treated me like another daughter and talking NASCAR those are some of the things I miss the most. Mom 2 I will never understand why you did what you did but I will forever miss you and I will always treasure the six years I got with you. I promise that us girls will stick together. To my best friends and my Dad 2 I love you guys and I'm always hear for you I hate this happened to you and I want you to know this blog is dedicated to her to the amazing women I was so privileged to call my second mother and my NASCAR buddy. Mom 2 I will always want to pick up the phone to text you about NASCAR but since I can't sharing my thoughts on this blog will just have to do.  To all who are reading this thank you for letting me share my thoughts and feelings not just in this post but in every post with you. I know I favor my drivers but I can't do anything else I do my very best to keep this blog open and fair. I want all my readers to understand my point of opening my heart and sharing my story with all of you who are strangers I've never even met is to hopefully prevent you from ever feeling the pain that me, my family and my friends family have felt. If you ever consider suicide just know there are people who care about you and would miss you even if you don't feel like it. I said that at my mom 2's funeral if only she could have seen how many people cared about her maybe she wouldn't have done it. Don't ever feel you need to end your life nothing is ever so bad that you have to end your life and there will always be people who are willing to talk to you. The pain I've felt in my heart is something I would hope you never have to experience in your life. Since this happened I've been questioning how do I move on where do I go from here. For me personally I think part of my role is to share my story to hopefully help someone else. I may not have been able to save my mom 2 but my hope is that somehow in the rest of my life I can make a difference and stop people from having to feel the pain me and my friends have felt. If I can save even 1 person it's been worth it. Dad 2 and my sisters I love you guys and I always will your my family and I'm here for you. Mom 2 I will always miss you and this blog is my way of sending my messages up to you even though you can't reply back I've accepted that as much as it hurts this is what I have to do know. I will always love you and I carry you in my heart for the rest of my life I will never forget you and although I wish more than anything that you were here now I'm glad your resting in peace I love you.